Archive: The Child-Bragging Epidemic Needs to Stop

From the TI archives — an opinion piece by Suchitra Sharma, originally published October 2014. Opinions are the author's.

How many times in a week do you scroll past a Facebook update like this: "I am so proud of my son/daughter, he got…" — the list to the dots is endless. A 4-year-old painted a tree. A soccer championship. A gifted program. Or the "mature, intelligent conversation" the kids apparently had with a parent.

Parents are proud of their kids and their achievements — nothing wrong in that. It's the validation the parents are seeking from friends that throws me off.

Children's achievements should be shared, but with the right audience: grandparents, spouse, perhaps a friend or two who will genuinely be happy. The other so-called friends on Facebook will just feel bad — or get competitive about their own children — while politely hitting "Like," because everyone is trying to be the pleasant person who "Likes" statuses.

Every person agrees that someone who brags about himself is obnoxious; a bragging parent is no different. And give your children a break — they are young and impressionable. As a parent you are quietly teaching them that anything they do is only good when others appreciate it.

The science of this is real. A 2012 Harvard study by Diana Tamir and Jason Mitchell, published in PNAS, found that talking about oneself — in conversation or on social media — activates the brain's reward circuitry the same way food or money does. Sometimes parents brag when other things aren't going well: a job, relationship troubles, a low self-image. Bragging about the kids feels momentarily good, and those "likes" elevate the mood — but fixing your own problems would serve everyone better than making other parents uncomfortable about their kids' achievements.

As University of Pennsylvania sociologist Annette Lareau has argued, this child-centered bragging is an outgrowth of the "concerted cultivation" style of parenting that pervades middle-class culture — parenting as a project to be managed, organized, and programmed.

Yes, sharing is human — but share with people who will be genuinely happy for you. And if your kid is actually great, the world will know; you won't have to post it. As Criss Jami wrote: "The biggest challenge after success is shutting up about it."

— Suchitra Sharma