Of Birds, Bees, and Gratitude

Richa Kumari is a Chicago-based consultant, trainer, and author specializing in leadership and diversity issues. She has coauthored a popular college textbook on leadership and writes a newspaper column on inclusive leadership.

(April is National Sexual Abuse Awareness Month. The article below is on the subject of sex education and abuse prevention)

One beautiful summer day, when I was in 10th grade, we walked into our classroom for our regular biology lesson and found that something strange was going on. Our Biology teacher, Ms. K, gave us a flustered grin and said there was a “surprise” on the agenda for the day. Within moments of that awkward preface, in walked Father A, a middle-aged Jesuit priest (we were in an all-girls Catholic school run by nuns with an almost entirely female faculty and staff, so his appearance was greeted by a mix of snickers and confused glances) who succinctly informed us that since we were now all grown up and ready to take responsibility for our actions, he was here all the way from Calcutta for our sex education class. More snickers greeted this unexpected announcement – what makes a celibate priest an authority on sex? And what will he tell us that we don’t already know? Does no one in our own city know this stuff?

Father A then proceeded to give us an hour-long sex-education class, which, in his world view, meant impressing upon us firmly that the following were grave sins – premarital sex, homosexual sex, contraception, oral sex, sex for any purpose other than making babies. Remember, said he gravely, you must only allow your husband to have sexual intercourse if you are trying to have a baby. If you are done having babies, you are also done having sex. At the end of the hour, we had an anonymous question-answer session where we could write questions on a piece of paper and put it in a box for him to pick out and answer aloud for the whole classroom’s benefit. To be fair, he did read out every one of the questions, including the flippant ones (“why is it called the missionary position) and the ones he said he could not answer because the answers would lead us into ‘sin’ (“what is masturbation”).

The whole episode was nothing more than a joke to us for the rest of the year and was forgotten soon after in favor of the REALLY important stuff (is Amir Khan married, what to wear for the Farewell party). Years later, after having seen some harrowing realities as a volunteer in a crisis center for sexually abused women and after becoming a mother myself, I thought again about the role of sex education in preventing sexual violence and promoting sexual health in our children. And I thought long and hard about what aspects of that sex education I plan to keep and what I plan to change when it comes to my son.

Yays:

• Just the fact that it existed! I am grateful that my school provided something by way of sex education, because I know that many schools in India didn’t and still don’t. The topic is uncomfortable for most people and taboo for many. Here in the US, sex education in schools remains a political hot potato, particularly as it relates to subjects such as contraception, abortion, and homosexuality. I plan to make it a key part of my son’s education, regardless of what is taught in his school.
• Many terms were explained to us in their correct form, rather than in slang or innuendo. Using euphemisms for body parts and sex acts attaches a degree of shame to the subject and discourages children and adults from communicating freely about it. We have taught my son, who is not quite two and a half, the correct names for ALL his body parts. (That, as you can imagine, has caused us some embarrassment in public when our very verbal little fellow loudly refers to them, usually in very crowded elevators or libraries. Breathe and think of the big picture, I usually tell myself as I mumble apologies and stuff Cheerios in his mouth to prevent the words from falling out of it).
• We were given an opportunity to ask questions, and if those questions were not addressed, we were given a reason (valid at least from Father A’s point of view) why they were skipped. I plan to make an effort to keep the channel of communication open with my son on this subject. I am not sure how this will play out as he grows older (think surly, monosyllabic, hormonal teen) but whenever he does ask questions I will answer them correctly in terms appropriate for his age and not tell him to stop asking such ‘embarrassing’ questions.

Nays:

• One hour at the age of 16 was too little, too late. By that time, most of us had already encountered incidents where sex played a part – eve teasing, inappropriate non-consensual contact with adults, harmless flirting with boys we liked. And it is very probable that few of us had been subjected to some form of sexual violence at a much younger age. For prevention of child sexual abuse, children need to learn from a very early age, as early as possible in fact, about good touches and bad touches so that they know when to withdraw or call for help.
• The focus of the class was religious (abstinence) rather than practical. Although there was no overt mention of the religious text that Father A’s guidelines came from, his teachings were, at best, not viable (no sex if you don’t want children from it) and at worst, complete misinformation (if you let your husband engage in variations such as oral sex, he could become homosexual, and you don’t want THAT do you). I’m not sure what kind of eternal pain awaits one who breaks Father A’s rules after death, but I suppose I can safely say that if you DO follow these rules, there is probably a fair amount of pain during life! I would like my son’s education to be factual and relevant to the times. One cannot skip a discussion about HIV if it is rampant in our world.
• Since contraception was labeled sinful, no information was given regarding preventing pregnancies or sexually transmitted diseases. Since the subject of contraception is so mired in controversy and political debate, I plan to not leave it to the school system to give my son the information he needs to stay healthy. He will get to hear about this from us, whether he likes it or not! (I’m guessing this won’t be his favorite parent-son conversation)
• The class did not address sexual abuse, its prevention, or ways to overcome it. Too many children stay mum about what happens to them because they do not understand it, or blame themselves, or are afraid of being seen as damaged. I would like to teach my son to recognize inappropriate behavior and to reach out to the adults in his life (I hope to him that means his father and me) for support if something is amiss. I will also explain to him why he is routinely subjected to our (rather annoying) protective rules as long as he is a child and cannot fully protect himself.

I am grateful for all those people and organizations out there that have created ample and free resources for parents to use for to educate their children. I am grateful that I live in a world where we are beginning to have meaningful conversations with our peers and our children on this subject. I am grateful that my husband and I understand and agree on the fact that little boys are as vulnerable to abuse as little girls.

Yes, I will do my best to give my son everything I can to make his world safe, and that includes continuing education about the birds and the bees and all things beautiful and ugly that go with it. But I will also tell him about me. I will tell him how I fought my father tooth and nail when I was not allowed to go out on unsupervised play dates and sleepovers as a little girl because the only rationale I got was “because I say so” from my fiercely protective, very loving, but old fashioned parents who had never been taught how to talk to a small child about the true dangers that lurk out there. I will tell him how one day when I was 7 I lied to my parents and sneaked off to play with the neighbor’s 16 year old son, and how he had me pinned down on the bed in his empty house when his mother unexpectedly walked in. I will tell him that I did not understand then how close I had come to disaster in breaking out of my parents’ protective arms. But I do now, and I am grateful for those arms.

Resources on Child Sexual Abuse:

http://www.childhelp.org/programs/entry/good-touch-bad-touch/

http://www.facebook.com/?sk=lf#!/pages/Child-Sexual-Abuse-Awareness-Month-April-2011/196122037087826