Why Marriages Fail: The Slow, Avoidable Kind

From the TI archives — originally published September 2014.

Marriage is the one relationship most of us take for granted. Couples start out pleasing each other, move to accepting each other, and quietly settle into assuming each other. Being yourself with your spouse is necessary — but being oblivious to their likes, dislikes, and interests is where the taking-for-granted begins.

Taking each other for granted. It rarely looks like cruelty. It looks like the slow evaporation of attention: the questions you stopped asking, the small courtesies you stopped extending, the assumption that the other person will simply be there, exactly as before, forever.

Infidelity. Cheating is the dramatic one, but its real damage is quieter: it says the relationship wasn't worth the restraint. Some couples recover; most never fully trust again. Being indifferent to infidelity is being indifferent to the relationship.

Swallowed hobbies. Partners need not share every interest — few couples do — but each has to be allowed their own. Marriage doesn't mean giving up your hobbies; it means respecting them. Giving up your own interests makes you feel caged, and caged people don't stay happily married.

Comparison. Spouses are their own people with distinct characteristics. Measuring yours against a neighbor, a sibling, or a friend breeds sourness, and repeated long enough, the sourness becomes the relationship.

Money. Few things crack a marriage faster. Unlimited spending by one partner can rock the boat; being miserly can rock it just as hard. Couples need to agree on spending habits — and actually talk about money, openly. That's a sign of a healthy relationship, not a transactional one.

Fights and disagreements are inevitable. What makes a marriage solid is listening when it matters, giving full ear to a partner's complaint, and holding your other half's hand when they're feeling low. The marriages that last aren't the ones without problems — they're the ones where both people keep showing up.

Originally written by Suchitra Sharma.