Archive: The 9 Most Overlooked Threats to a Marriage

From the TI archives — originally published October 2014. TI republished a therapist's widely shared essay in full; this refreshed version summarizes its argument in our own words, with credit to the original author.

Marriage therapist Dr. Kelly Flanagan's October 2014 essay made an argument worth keeping: marital communication gets a bad rap. Communication, he wrote, is like the kid who fights back on the playground — the supervisors only see his retaliation, so he gets sent to the principal's office (or the therapist's office), even though he's just reacting to the real troublemakers who started the fight.

The nine troublemakers, as he framed them:

People change. Don't marry someone for who they are or who you want them to become — marry them for who they are determined to become, and join them in that becoming.

Marriage doesn't cure loneliness. Being alive means being lonely sometimes; marriage can only be a place where two people share the experience and create moments where it lifts.

Shame baggage. We carry it, a partner triggers it, and we blame them for creating it and demand they fix it. They can't. Healing our own shame is sometimes the best marital therapy.

Ego wins. The protective wall built in childhood keeps spouses separated. Openness, apology, vulnerability, grace — these bring it down.

Life is messy. Marriage is life, so marriage is messy. Stop pointing fingers and start intertwining them.

Empathy is hard. One partner must always go first, with no guarantee of reciprocation. It's a sacrifice — and a belly flop more often than not. Can we love fallible people anyway?

Children vs. the marriage. Kids should never be more important than the marriage — or less. Both extremes wedge the family apart.

The hidden power struggle. Most conflict is a negotiation over how much distance two lovers keep. Name it explicitly, or fight about it implicitly forever.

Attention itself. In a world pulling our attention everywhere, making our life a meditation upon the person we love is a revolutionary act.

Flanagan's closing line endures: a therapist can teach a couple to communicate in an hour. Dealing with the troublemakers that started the fight takes a lifetime — a lifetime worth fighting for.